i'm almost at the 2 month mark from the first time i donned neoprene. i'm sitting in my apartment alone on a saturday night eating tacos and feeling vague frustration so i thought i'd map it all out in my head (aka my computer):
i keep having this feeling in my head like i suck more than anyone else who has ever attempted surfing because for all the reading and studying and obsessing i do, i have still never stood up on a surfboard and i feel like a chode for it. EVEN THOUGH LOGICALLY I KNOW IT IS VERY HARD!
the majority of people who stand up right away pay a surf instructor or camp who push them into gentle whitewater waves on giant 10ft foam boards. or they're children. and they get a picture of it for their instagram (the amount of surf teachers who offer photographers is astounding!) and that's it.
it's just embarrassing to know i haven't even the most basic chump move. i have discovered in this "journey" how many self-esteem issues and insecurities are coming out when i have to do something relying mostly on physical presence. lots of deep seated stuff from being a kid and feeling physically lesser than my friends in all ways. i always the least able in gymnastics, the most out of breath in soccer, the slowest runner.. always made to feel like my body couldn't do things but i was a good student and a quick wit. i wonder how much of that stuff as a kid would have happened if i already hadn't had a mental block that my body was too fat (thanks ma!) and thus a liability. i don't have any memories of a time in my life where i wasn't ashamed of my body, not one of being a kid and not horribly self conscious, and that makes me pretty sad.
so i guess picking up one of the most challenging and physical activities to do was pretty smart, right? the slightest failure or difficulty in the surfing world has been bringing all of this to the surface and i've had some moments of real pain at feeling like i don't, uh, "fit" in.
even though i have not stood on a surfboard yet, i would like to take the time to think of stuff i have done since my first time out in the water.
-i have gone to a beach every single weekend this year and seen beautiful sights while also getting out of my apartment and away from screens
-i have felt extremely lucky and fortunate to live in california. i was getting really tired of the bay area and SF itself is kind of a shitshow but i feel like i live in a new world, practically. i spend so much time at insanely beautiful places which is truly aesthetically orgasmic after a week in cubeland. central-to-norcal in particular is just amazing with all the cliffs and dramatic breaks and i'm less than 2 hours away from world class surfing in santa cruz.
-i have made healthy decisions. i started doing yoga and while not dieting, have felt less of a draw towards unhealthy foods that would weigh me down and make me feel just yucky in the water. also the surfing process and travel has given me less time to eat. i also have barely had any alcohol and stopped almost all of my drug use. i go to sleep early and tend to wake up earlier.
-i no longer have felt the need to put so much effort into my physical appearance. there are no mirrors at the beach. i spend very little time on my hair and makeup and my weekend wear has shifted to whatever feels the best post-wetsuit. i used to spend up to around 3 hours trying to paint a prettier face on my face just getting ready to go out to a club. i find less escape in the artificial now.
-i have learned an incredible wealth of information about surfing and surfing culture and basically can speak an entirely new language of jargon
-i have exchanged smiles or had conversations with fellow surfers. yes, a positive social interaction that i wouldn't have had otherwise counts. i have been told i have a very contagious sense of stoke :)
-i can successfully mount a board repeatedly, paddle it and switch between prone and sitting positions. i was shocked at how hard even this was the first time i went out!
-i am much less sore after a session than i was the first couple times i went out. that means i really am stronger and building more endurance.
when i was 14 how insanely hard it seemed to be able to play chords on a guitar, i labored and labored to cram my hands just into open chord shapes and while i never really proceeded much past that, it's muscle memory i'll never lose and if i'd just kept pushing myself harder and practiced more, i probably could have been much better. i don't want my surfboard to join the racks of guitars that gather dust in my home. i know the learning curve is very steep and it will likely be YEARS before i'm any kind of actual surfer. just gotta keep at it and keep loving the practice as much as the performance.
i have had a lot of difficulties in my personal life the past few years.. i think i've relied too much on other people to make me happy and fix what i didn't like about myself. accomplishing something solely based on my own efforts where i reap all the rewards just for me would really mean a lot and help swing the direction of my life towards a happier place. i have got to stick with this and make it the focus of this year. i don't want to look back and wonder what more i could have done.
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