absent

wow, i can't believe it's been so long since i've updated.

i guess silence can speak volumes.

it's not that i haven't been in the water. i've been out every weekend.

i think i'm just hitting a valley right now. the months of struggling and the money that keeps flying out of my bank account is starting to affect me.

i'm tired of going out on my own and getting battered or just getting nothing. it's so entirely frustrating to drive for hours to do nothing.

the novelty has waned. my positive outlook has been tarnished by the reality of life. i'm so afraid i just can't do it. i'm so unathletic. so overweight. so old. i feel like i don't belong.

that's what's been repeating in my head at least..

at my last lesson, richard took me from the old 11' foot board down to a somewhat normal (finally) learning board- a 9'2" soft top. still very wide and buoyant. honestly it was harder to paddle than i expected. lots of wobbling from side to side. however, on the handful of waves "we" caught, i was able to get right to my knees but struggled in maneuvering my body to attempt a real pop up. i fell every time, but i'm not really surprised by that. i fell every time my first time on the 11' board too. unfortunately, i'm on the clock with this so i only have so many times to try.

i'm so glad i decided to go with the 9'6" board. however, i am aware it won't be a magic cure and there's still a scary amount for me to learn. richard said i was barely tickling the water when i thought i was paddling for waves.

my fitness just sucks. my eating sucks. everything sucks. i need some sort of sensei to come and shove me around and remind me how important this all is to me. i caught a few glimpses of the rides other people were getting and i have to say they were pretty inspirational.. watching someone ride waves from water level is pretty special.

i guess i need some water time that's in-between a hopeless solo session and an intensive lesson- where i can go with a friend and have fun and still get some help and guidance.

not giving up.

wow, i can't believe i've been surfing for a quarter of a year already. of course that's like, nothing. but i can feel how it's a pretty good time point where the majority of people get intensely frustrated and give up. i honestly think that if i hadn't decided to take lessons and get some help, i might be close to it.

i had a really frustrating day at linda mar (i feel like i've said this so many times!)- of course, it was fair/poor conditions but after using the giant SUP to learn on, wobbling off my 9' board was a pretty miserable experience. i was totally rusty and the water was SO choppy. i so desperately want to be able to just catch a wave on my own, aside from standing.. but i feel like i can't get lined up and comfortable/balanced on my board nor can i really assess a good place to be in the constant washing machine environment.

it took me 3 tries to even get close to getting out the back but really, i barely did because there was so much chop and there were sorta mini waves breaking out far past even where the eye could see. on the bright side, there weren't many other people getting much done in the water either. it was the first time there were more people out on the beach than in the water, including young girls in bikinis playing at the shore which shocked me as it was FREEZING COLD in the water. like, hurt my hands. i got slammed in the face and shot off my board more times than i can count. it was hard for me to try and punch through waves when i wasn't balancing on my board very well. i can really see why the right equipment for beginners is so important- a too small board just makes a fun activity an exercise in futility.

i try to at least take away one positive from any trip out and i will say that even though i haven't paddled much in the past few weeks, this was one time where i really felt like i was moving when i was paddling and ensuring i was digging in the water with long strokes and pulling myself forward. also,  i did accomplish one really good turtle roll, didn't get dragged, wave rolled right over me, flipped back and kept paddling.

really, i just missed riding waves so much. i have been spoiled on my lessons with richard, where i am riding like 10+ waves per hour. it's kinda hard to go back now that i've had a taste of that. i really am SO HAPPY i ordered a new board that will be much more stable than what i have now.

i also made an important non-surfing related decision this weekend which was that i need to be a little more diversified in my life with my activities. i had totally uprooted my social life for surfing, which was due to general burn-out but ultimately not really healthy. so i went to my old regular haunt nightclub and went dancing, had a couple drinks, saw friends.. it felt really good. however, it also made me feel like shit the day after though i guess a saltwater dunk might have alleviated. i so wish i liked linda mar more. it just doesn't even compare to the perfection that is santa cruz :(

so i think i will try to have a lesson this saturday. this just isn't really enough surfing for my liking, but life is what it is.  i just realized i'm not even sore from yesterday! maybe that's some sort of growth. i don't think i was out all that long, maybe an hour at most though. i remember i was totally annihilated for days after my first time in the ocean with a surfboard.

thinking about joining a gym so i can fill some weekday time with elliptical or something to get cardio in to try and get my stamina up for my LA trip where i want to make sure i surf at least 5/7 days. aaand i guess that's it! boring blog is boring.

hi blog.

i've been bad at you lately.

there's just been too much to say and i've been busy at work and drained at night.

i had a real good surf lesson on sunday and then i went and ordered a new custom beefy board.

i guess after having a taste of what it's like to be constantly standing up and riding waves, the idea of flailing around on my current board doesn't hold the same allure. so i'm a little lacking in motivation right now. i'm going to manresa on saturday but have been waffling back and forth on whether or not i want to lug a board around all day with a non-surfing friend.

also i'm going to LA for a week in june for sure now and that means i really need to work on my endurance to be able to surf days in a row.

i went off the deep end diet wise and feel like a bloated piece of crap.

more later.

weekend stokez

today i am stoked for no reason?

my teacher richard sent me a line mentioning good swell this weekend and asked if i'd like to do a lesson. even as my bank account chided me, the idea of getting to catch as many waves as i do with richard is too good to turn down! so tomorrow i'll be back in SC hopefully putting my new pop up to practice.

i saw a near new 9' walden mega magic on craigslist yesterday for $500 including bag and leash! perfect, right? i consulted richard and he said go for it if i wanted to but be sure it was what i wanted and in good condition so after much anxiety i emailed the seller and.. no response. i'm guessing that deal was snapped up pretty fast. oh well. i'm already kinda over it. honestly, that board is very popular and $1000 new so marking it down that much is kinda suspicious, tbh.

then i called ward coffey and asked if he could possibly meet sunday afternoon and he said because he's going to be jam packed soon, he would fit me in and was as gracious and nice as i could ever ask for. i can see why he has the reputation he does. i am super excited to get a CUSTOM board for ME and ME ALONE, just the way i like it with MY COLORS ( i think i want clear deck w/purple rails and red trim) and not used by any ol nasty person.  lets be honest.. i'm so not an off the rack gal. haha. i am already dreaming of getting him to make me a 70's inspired (let's go with inspired- i want a board i can actually ride) design with psychedelic spray when i'm ready.

i really need some salt water in my life SOON.

plus i'm going to book my LA vacation in june which would be like hopefully 5 days straight of surfing every day, with mellow summer waves that i think would be good for someone like me.

pressing matters...

i don't know where i'm gonna surf this weekend. uh oh!

linda mar has been, like my ass, big and sloppy all week. i really don't want to repeat the bad days i've had there.

i don't think bolinas is gonna have much swell and i need some solid pushes on my board if i think i'm gonna have any chance of putting my new pop up to use.

santa cruz seems good (as always) but the 3 hour drive gets real old. i am so tired of driving!

not surfing this weekend- not an option. of course. i am actually craving paddling since i didn't do any last weekend.

i think maybe if i can come up with another reason to go to santa cruz, that would be the winner. the fact that i don't pay a toll to go there sorta nets out the cost of gas driving such a distance. maybe some time at kiva retreat? it's a pretty hippie-ish nude (ok, i clung to my towel when i went) spa house kinda thing.. but has nice grass to lay on and lots of hot tubs. it's not like, sexy at all. just relaxing. would be a treat after sore muscles and cold water. but don't know what i'd do with my board.

tough life!