absent

wow, i can't believe it's been so long since i've updated.

i guess silence can speak volumes.

it's not that i haven't been in the water. i've been out every weekend.

i think i'm just hitting a valley right now. the months of struggling and the money that keeps flying out of my bank account is starting to affect me.

i'm tired of going out on my own and getting battered or just getting nothing. it's so entirely frustrating to drive for hours to do nothing.

the novelty has waned. my positive outlook has been tarnished by the reality of life. i'm so afraid i just can't do it. i'm so unathletic. so overweight. so old. i feel like i don't belong.

that's what's been repeating in my head at least..

at my last lesson, richard took me from the old 11' foot board down to a somewhat normal (finally) learning board- a 9'2" soft top. still very wide and buoyant. honestly it was harder to paddle than i expected. lots of wobbling from side to side. however, on the handful of waves "we" caught, i was able to get right to my knees but struggled in maneuvering my body to attempt a real pop up. i fell every time, but i'm not really surprised by that. i fell every time my first time on the 11' board too. unfortunately, i'm on the clock with this so i only have so many times to try.

i'm so glad i decided to go with the 9'6" board. however, i am aware it won't be a magic cure and there's still a scary amount for me to learn. richard said i was barely tickling the water when i thought i was paddling for waves.

my fitness just sucks. my eating sucks. everything sucks. i need some sort of sensei to come and shove me around and remind me how important this all is to me. i caught a few glimpses of the rides other people were getting and i have to say they were pretty inspirational.. watching someone ride waves from water level is pretty special.

i guess i need some water time that's in-between a hopeless solo session and an intensive lesson- where i can go with a friend and have fun and still get some help and guidance.

not giving up.