dear self

if you want to not be bummed out, stop reading testimonials of other people's surf lessons because everyone seems to stand up on their first try!

there is literally a school in santa cruz where they attach a handlebar to your back and a dude will come LIFT YOU UP while you ride whitewater so you can say you stood on a surfboard. i certainly don't want that. yikes.

that said, i am considering taking another surf lesson with an instructor in santa cruz (not that one) because i just don't think my initial lessons were effective at all. he showed me what a pop up was (i already knew) then said "don't worry about it" when i said i couldn't do what he was doing, then took me out into the water and watched me fall off his giant spongey foam board (def not a soft top) while trying to just get on it. i said i wasn't comfortable with the board because it felt really too big and floatey and i couldn't get my legs around it so he offered to teach me on a short board and we went back in after i grabbed a rental and i fell off that some more trying to sit up. he also mentioned what a duck dive and turtle roll were but mostly i just recall sitting in the water saying "should i be doing something?" but i had a nice time hanging with the teacher and his gf in the parking lot after.

the second lesson, he mostly said he was upset because he missed his girlfriend then took me back out in the water on a proper rental soft top and i had more luck balancing on it and paddling. while i paddled around, he got on his board and rode some waves and then i asked again if i should be doing or working on anything? we got trapped in a really bad rocky part of the beach and i struggled so badly to walk my board in i almost had a panic attack! so we finally went in the white water with the other students and after a few communication misfires of what iw as supposed to be doing, i was too exhausted to do anything but roll off. i said thanks for the help, but i was gonna pass on future lessons. ..aaand now i feel too awkward to hire another pacifica area teacher because that guy hangs out there a lot and seems pretty sensitive. he does always say hi to me when i've seen him but i can say i have had the exact same experience going out on mine sans the stress of feeling like someone was monitoring me. i get really really frustrated and embarrassed.

the teacher was a nice enough guy and didn't charge too much but he was new to surf instruction and i think i would have preferred someone more communicative, upbeat and descriptive. there are some excellent online tutorials that really put theory to practice but they come from $$$$ costa rica surf camps. being able to surf and being able to teach are certainly two different skill sets. i think it was useful to have someone bring me out because the first time you get in the water on a surfboard, it's truly shocking at how difficult and harsh it can be. and it seems like most people really are self-taught through experience.

i'm thinking another, more seasoned coach in SC might be the way to go. it's a much nicer place to learn as well with numerous true beginner spots. maybe just another lesson or two so i don't feel so lost? it was really nice when greg went out with me at el porto with a giant board and helped tell me what to do. then again a surf lesson is about the price of a plane ticket to LA, ha!

hi, it's monday and i'm already frantic for a weekend in the water. hi, i overthink everything.